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The challenge of long distance marriages & romantic relationships – part ii

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In the first article we discussed the complexities and problems involved in initiating and sustaining several of the long distance romantic relationships and marriages that have been proliferated across the globe in our era, especially for people of developing nations. I outlined some useful suggestions of practical steps we can take as preventive as well as curative measures for the multiplicity of depressing situations and relational problems that have characterized these long distance separations.

If you missed the Part I and wish to be on the same page with us in the discussions, you can access the article on MYJOYONLINE.COM with the title of the article, or browse with the link: http://opinion.myjoyonline.com/pages/feature/201110/74064.php.

Overseas travel for people in developing countries
Although many people from developing nations will always want to travel to developed countries where the grass is greener, there are several of the inhabitants who do not mind settling in any locality in any of the other developing nations outside of their own locality where they can get what they desire or need. Sometimes the migration is even focused on larger cities or areas with rich resources (such as mining or farming and industrial areas) where they can obtain higher income. Those who attach fantasy of the classy feeling and air of being elite and modernized by living in Western culture in Europe or North America, for example, will never want to live in another developing nation no matter what you give them (unless circumstances really compel them to do so). If the fiancée or spouse therefore moves from North America or Europe (where the one originally migrated to) to live in, for example, another African, Carribean, Latin American or Asian country outside of the native land, the other partner will be reluctant to follow his or her mate to a place that is not his her cup of tea. It appears that many people from developing countries are now being attracted to some developed Asian countries that look promising and lucrative for industry, business and education. Transactions are less cumbersome for them, and everything seems more affordable and easier to obtain in such places.
I notice that these days many people in developing nations (especially the men with prospects for lucrative business and job opportunities) are becoming less attracted to move out into outside wealthy nations, because they are unable to obtain the needed visa and immigration documents to join their partners, or do not actually want to travel outside their nations and live abroad for any long periods of time. The stresses and struggles plus alienation from familiar customs, native family, friends, insecurity created by too many assumptions without certainty of the success of future plans, and loss of common freedoms, make such moves unattractive. This scenario is presently posing problems for partners residing in foreign nations whose fiancées or spouses still reside in their native countries, who are now in a great fix as to what they should do with their courtships and marriages that are falling apart, since their partners are unable or unwilling to join them abroad.

The roots of the drive and motivation for travel, and migration to other rich countries (or other high class or rich localities in the same country) by people from developing or underdeveloped nations, I believe, can be traced to one or more of these 6 reasons listed below (or a variation of one of them):

1) The hard economic conditions in many developing and poor nations of the world drive people to seek for ?green grass? outside their countries. Sometimes the migration is to another locality in the same nation (or same continent) where they can flourish better. A common notion in the 21st century for many people is that ?when conditions are hard, or if you want faster progress in your life, and you travel outside your country or to another location to tap into the resources in a richer and more developed place, you can always do better, prosper, and ultimately succeed in life.?

2) The quest for better and higher education and training that involves extensive technology is of prime importance to those who wish to learn more and develop 21st century professional skills, and many people therefore travel to acquire such training in other countries or localities.

3) A common factor these days is the reunion of friends and family members, and the sponsoring of such people by those who are privileged to settle in developed places ahead of their loved ones. Spouses and family members travel to join their loved ones, or visit to assist them domestically and in diversities of ways for some time. Friends also travel to secure a job or good position in another country or different place in the same country, and encourage another friend to come over and enjoy the same privileges.

4) A section of people in our communities leave one town to another town in the same country or travel to other countries to temporary or permanently settle outside their original environment because of crisis, tragic occurrences, and destabilization, or even persecution. Most of these moves are impromptu, and can adversely impact a relationship, marriage or family life.

5) There are those who belong to the group that simply looks for fun and adventure, and cannot remain in one location or even on one job or home for any considerable length of time. I will call them social floaters.

6) Some people are experts in their fields, who are officially invited, posted, or recruited to work in other developed nations or sites outside of their normal areas within the same country, or people who work with international organizations that post them to different locations around the world.

Take Precautionary Measures

If you are settled in a marriage with your partner, or deeply involved in a romantic relationship, courtship, or marriage plans with anyone, I strongly advise you to sit together and critically analyze all of these six factors, and honestly agree on the one is the primary reason for the travel or migration of one partner, and which factors are likely to come into the picture after your mate has arrived at the other end. Many travel to enroll in school, then they graduate and want to make some money; then they want more money to acquire property, and finally become engrossed in money-making ventures ad infinitum. I tell you that if you buy a car, you will want to buy or build a house, then be tempted to purchase a ship, and then a private jet, until you wish to start building a city to name it after yourself! There is no end to the gathering of the worldly toys under the sun. The best thing to do is to have a definite wise mutual plan with your mate, cut your coat according to your size, define a purpose in life to fulfill, and accomplish your goals with effectiveness and lasting value without signing up to compete in the ?rat race?. At the end you don?t become a rat and you don?t win any race too!
You must understand and admit that in several cases, either some of these factors were not considered at all in the original plan, or became important to one or both of you after you got separated. There are those who have obligations to assist or ?bless? and ?thank? beloved family members and special friends who have been of much help to them in the past, or even assisted them with the plane tickets and money for the travel, and whom they feel obliged to return favors to, and therefore end up focusing on them rather than their fiancée or spouse after things start progressing at the other end. Some family members and friends are also opportunists who will pester the life of their son, daughter, family member, or friend to move heaven and earth to get them over to where he or she resides in that locality or country, in order to prosper as well. The situation gets worse when the travelled partner loses every respect for the mate or their own family, and then tragically loses the fear of God in him or her, and then becomes immoral, wanton, carefree, delinquent, irresponsible, callous, un-loving, and lighthearted with his or her relationship.

The worst happens when the travelled partner gets into fornication or adultery with another person in that city or country, and communication (which is the blood of the relationship) turns into arguments, cheeks, sauciness, impertinence, fights, and abuses during a brief visit, or over the phone or in e-mails and Facebook or other instant messaging. When communication ceases completely, then you know that the relationship or marriage is woefully shattered and going down the drain. That is when the person starts living more seriously with another lady or gentlemen, have a baby with the one, and then you will hear that he or she is sponsoring someone else in his or her family to come over, and might even sponsor another concubine to join him or her. The obvious and most dreaded ultimately hits you hard and mercilessly --- the one tells you that he or she wants a divorce, or wishes to break the promising courtship that had so far moved along sweetly before he or she traveled, and the one consequently slaps you with the grim news that he or she is no more interested in marrying you. Some men exhibit disrespectful and abhorrent bravado by actually perform official marriage rites with another lady, before they even tell their female fiancée or wife that they wish to sever relationships with her.

Plan to maintain the romantic fire of your long distance relationship

There should be definite plans to keep your relationship alive, active, interesting, and pleasurable during your time of separation. A few suggestions are as follows:

1) Depend entirely upon the power of God as your first line of protection and primary source of power and provision to supply all of your needs and keep you, your partner, children, your marriage, fiancée, or relationship.

2) Both of you must seriously make communication your number one foundation as well as the primary material to keep your relationship intact and flourishing. Communication is always the blood of all relationships. Thoughtfully plan to engage in frequent conversation by visits (at weekends or monthly etc. if possible), phone calls, e-mail, post cards, letters, or other means. Hearing each other?s voice is a great balm. Do not call only when there is a need or complaint. Apart from the emergency calls, and calls to report special problems, solutions, and needs, learn the art of spontaneous phone conversation about common things of life and especially what is mutual. Be a good listener. Listening attentively is a very important part of excellent communication and conversation.

3) Avoid being forceful, controlling, and argumentative. Remember that you are not together physically to see each other?s face and predict how the other one is taking what you are saying. The husband or male fiancée in particular should be the strong leader who does not misuse his manly qualities and privileges to yell at the fragile lady partner, but must demonstrate real strength and wisdom by gently, patiently, and wisely resolving difficult issues. The man must exhibit good leadership by diffusing tension during conversation, engage in conflict management, and successfully steer general discussions. The lady must learn to control her words and temper, as well as control of financial demands and cravings for attention.

4) Engage in regular prayers. The power of any corporate prayer is dependent upon the power and preparation of the individuals participating in the prayer. If your partner has backslidden, has a different belief, or does not like to pray with you, do not force him or her to do so, but ask for wisdom from God to be truly loving and tactful, as you look for opportunities to say short prayers for him or her. As you pray for your difficult partner, and handle him or her with love, patience, forgiveness, and gentleness, you can throw in very short sentences of prayer at appropriate times that would touch and bless the one, until God breaks through with your secret sincere prayers. Remember that prayer is the best communication, because it is communication with God. If prayer becomes established, then mutually make your commitment, obedience, devotion, and prayers very strong in the romantic relationship, courtship, or marriage. Establish also the condition of never parting on the phone without some form of prayer as closure. Prayer has worked wonders for my wife Henrietta and I in our 29 years of marriage, and we can assure you that sincere prayer of faith will work for you as well.

5) Meditation on scripture is a sure way of cleansing our souls, giving us assurances based on God?s promises, setting us straight, awakening our dead conscience and making us think, plan, speak, walk, and operate in God?s light and in the Spirit. Scripture will always bring God?s Spirit into your life and into all of your relationships with people. True prayer that is based on scripture will also diffuse all anger, competition, envy, resentment, arrogance, pride, arguments, selfishness, quarrels, fear, anxiety, worry, doubts, suspicions, and discouragement.

6) Make use of other available avenues of communication such as personal greetings and passing of information through trusted friends and family members.

7) Decide to be romantic and loving in all of your communication and interactive opportunities. Remember you are dealing with a lover who is starved of physical contact and visible affection from you. Know the differences between men and women and what invokes love and affection in the other partner.

8) Forgive very quickly and don?t delay to say sorry when the other partner is (or feels) offended. Even if you don?t see why he or she should be offended by ?that little thing?, or if you think it is ?meaningless offence?, you must still apologize (respecting his or her point of view), for the fellowship to continue flowing. Do your best to desist from repeating offences and continuing to say sorry all the time. Such habit will damage your integrity and thereby erode any trust, suggesting that you are faking repentance and character change to merely deceive your partner and get your way in order to obtain what you selfishly want to obtain in the relationship.

9) Be very honest in everything you say, without giving room for doubts, mistrust, fear, and anxiety or worry regarding your loyalty. Let your ?yes? be ?yes?, and your ?no? be ?no?. Beware of secret plans in the absence of your partner. Beware of lies or half-truths. If the complete truth later gets to your partner, that is a disaster for the trust and confidence between the two of you.

10) Beware of pleasing or putting first your family members and friends before your spouse. Let every family member and friend know clearly that your wife or husband comes first, even when the two of you are temporarily separated. Do your best to discuss and mutually agree on the disbursement and distribution of things to family members and friends before you do so.

10) Avoid close relationships with old boyfriends and girlfriends in the absence of your mate, especially if you indulged in immoral acts with them in the past. Old fires can be easily re-kindled, and they can easily lead you astray into sin and unfaithfulness, and ultimately ruin your marriage or courtship.

11) Have a firm control over late night parties, club meetings, late night visits that cause you to come home very late, or visits with opposite sex where you are alone with another man (if you are the wife), or another woman (if you are the husband). Far-away partners will frequently be disturbed and will have fear, anxiety, mistrust, and doubt sown in their minds if they regularly hear the voice of an opposite sex with you in conversation or with you in your room (or if you are often in the room of such strangers), during a phone call to your abode or location, or if people begin to give such reports of your questionable activities to your mate. Sometimes the one is a genuine study mate for academic activity, or close business partner etc., but things must be clearly communicated, and trust must be built in order to avoid all suspicions. To prevent any doubts, I suggest that you discuss any such necessary frequent interactions with your mate, provide all the necessary information, and set everybody?s heart and mind at peace. If the person interacting with you is decent and principled, he or she might also be concerned about how your husband, wife, or fiancee would take it at a distant location if he or she gets to know of the close association with you. We know that some partners are unduly possessive, and suffer from chronic extreme jealousy. In that case much prayer, wisdom, exhibition of due affection, rich conversation, provision of adequate information of your motives and movements, and planning of your interactions, will enable life to go on peacefully. Usually you might feel that your partner is ?getting on your nerves, and is too controlling?, and so you arrogantly, discouragingly, or fearfully try to hide your interactions with others in his or her absence, which rather give you future deeper problems of suspicion and distrust when your partners later discovers your activities.

12) Develop a good sense of humour along with your chats; and let your sense of humor be alive as needed, but avoid sarcasm and mockery that leaves your partner feeling stupid on the phone or feels degraded after reading your letter or e-mail. Throw in appropriate jokes and laughter frequently in conversation. Take time to study and know your partner well, and be conversant with the things that will make him or her sad, cry, anxious, worried, fretful, happy, laugh, silent, or open up.

13) Balance photographs with communication. Men are creatures of the eye, and will love to see monthly meaningful photos from any woman. The lady fiancee or wife (and children) should therefore send him good pictures that carry messages of love, affection, progress in his absence, and general interactions. It is even easier now if you have computers or cell phones at both ends for transmission of electronic pictures. Women are creatures of the ear, and could always be nurtured and kept romantically alive with rich conversation and affection on phone etc.

14) Little gifts with meaning, properly thought of and exchanged from time to time, will also keep your long distance relationship alive.

15) Arrange for your partner to be cared for in some good, mature, and sincere hands. Several people have often made special arrangements with particular trusted family members, elders, friends, pastors, men and women of God, and responsible colleagues at work, church, or school, and in their neighborhoods, to keep in constant touch with their spouses or fiancées in their absence. Most of these caretakers do a good job (although some casualties sometimes result from careless or selfish handling of the people entrusted to them). I consider this as a wise move that should be properly, strategically, and officially made before the other partner travels. If that was not initially done, it could still be arranged at some point while the partner is away. It may not work in some cases because of human pride that would not admit or ask for assistance, and especially when the mate does not trust people due to past bad experiences. The partner that was left behind (or the traveler) might not also want any formal assistance in order to maintain his or her privacy in the relationship, or would not want it to appear as if someone was monitoring him or her.

Whatever your circumstances, explore and exploit all available resources and opportunities that will enable you to maintain the best relationship with your partner, while you leave no stone unturned to do the best with what you have. Cultivate the unflinching determination and firm resolution to be faithful till the end in your God-given courtship or marriage relationship, and aim at pursuing the singular vision of a very fruitful and successful family life that should constitute an enduring and a glowing legacy for several generations in the annals of history. May the Lord be your helper!

Obtain more detailed information on this topic from Dr. Kisseadoo?s Book ?Challenges Of Modern Men And women In Relationships?. Tune in to JOY 99.7 FM in Accra, Ghana on Saturdays at 5:30 am ? 6:00 am (Ghana Time) or US Eastern ST 12:30am ? 1:00am Mid-October to March) and listen to Dr. Kisseadoos broadcast Hope For Your Family. Access on the Internet using MYJOYONLINE.COM, and click on ?Live Radio?. Obtain Dr. Kisseadoo?s books online from: RedLeadBooks.com or Amazon.com using his name. His book ?Facing And Fighting Through The Storm? launched in June 2011 narrates the amazing encouraging testimony of God?s miraculous deliverance healing experience of Dr. Kisseadoo in 2009. Contact him in the USA (1-757-7289330) for copies of all of his 14 books, free counseling and prayer. Visit his website: www.fruitfulministriesint.com for essentials that will enrich your relationships and ministry. Call 233-20-8209567 or 233-276-322982 in Accra or 233-264-650261 in Kumasi for message CD?s, books, free counseling, prayer, and seminars. Use DrSamuel Kisseadoo to access his Wall on Facebook. Copyright Nov. 2011 Rev. Dr. Samuel A. Kisseadoo (Professor of Biology, USA. International Evangelist. Ordained Licensed Minister. Teacher, Author, Conference Speaker). Founder and President, Fruitful Ministries International Inc. (Evangelistic Teaching Ministry). 6 Red Robin Turn, Hampton, Virginia 23669, USA. Tel.1- 757-728933 E-mail: kisseadoo@msn.com